Cousin of the Ironic Catholic Interview on The Feast of the Assumption

Mary assuming that the clouds won't drench her clothing.

The RBCU radio station has once again tapped the cousin of the Ironic Catholic, CIC, to answer a few questions about today's solemnity, having forgotten what a disaster those interviews have been.

Radio host: Good morning and Happy Solemnity of the Assumption to you!

CIC: Thanks, but it's a feast.

Radio host: What?

CIC: If it's happy, we eat.  I'm Italian.  Hence, Feast.

Radio host: Well, technically, the word is solemnity....

CIC: Too many syllables.  I used up all my multi-syllabic powers on consubstantial.  Movin' on.

Radio host: Let's start over: Happy Solemnity or Feast of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary!

CIC: Thanks!  I just love this day.

Radio host: Fantastic!  Why is that?

CIC: Because I'm really good at assuming things.  Like, I assumed there would be free donuts here, like at Church after mass, because its a Catholic radio station and all.  And I assume the sun will rise and set and so on.  Assuming really gets me through life, ya know?

Radio host: But...that has nothing to do with the assumption of Mary.

CIC: Oh, I understand.  Mary probably assumed different things, like Joseph would be out building a chair or Jesus would pitch in with the dishes, being the Son of God.  We can have different assumptions.  You know, my parents and I assume different things all the time.  It was a bonding thing, growing up.

Radio host: No, no, no, I mean the assumption of Mary refers to her being assumed--taken--into heaven, body and soul.  No second coming for her, since she was born without sin.

CIC: (long silence.)  OK, that's different.  How the heck do you assume you're going to go to heaven body and soul?

Radio host: You don't do the assuming.  Neither does Mary.  This is actually about God.

CIC:  Well, isn't everything.

Radio host: See, God assumes Mary into heaven.

CIC:  Listen here, you heretic.  God is beyond assuming.  I'm positive there is no assuming in the Summa.

Radio host: (one minute of tortured silence.)  Um.  Would you like a donut?

CIC: Now you're talking.  I told you I was good at this assuming stuff.  (munch munch munch)

Radio host: And ...please join us next time, please...when we ... when we ... interview someone else. Hey. there's a Bavarian Cream here....

(Music swells in the background.)