"I am the very model of a Biblical philologist"

My sense is most people have no idea what academic study of sacred texts looks like. This ditty hints why you may not want to know....

And a big hat tip to my friend Brian for pointing me to the video!

From the four page "Atheist Hymnal": "Atheists Don't Have No Songs"...

(It's funny because its true.)

Maybe the Atheist Hymnal is named "Scatter".  Or "Deny".  Or "RitualSong".

(Ouch.  But really, whose idea was it to name the hymnal RitualSong???)

HT: Korrektiv.

Exclusive: Watch Me Go Quietly Insane Through A Theologically Wacked VBS Song

I looked worse than this.

(Wherein I prove I can be a Catholic momblogger.)

I try to be bigger than this, honest I do, and I love VBS.  Every year my kids like it and they come home with good insights about the topic of the week.  And this year's probably had the best "take home" CD of songs yet...catchy and fun and some were even theologically touching and deep.  Then there were two songs near the end....

In order not to publicly humiliate the artist of this song, I am not going to name it, or him, or the VBS program.  But for goodness sakes, I have been having a running debate with this song, which my kids want to listen to every day, for nine weeks straight.  (If you are thinking, hey, you're the parent, turn it off, remember that the rest of the album is great and I am usually in the middle of helping a child potty train or something).  I have officially snapped.  At least my mental cry of theological anguish may entertain you.

This song is about St. Peter, and has a rousing go go go! refrain. By the end of the song, I only wish I could.  It begins like this:

Hello folks, my name's Pete
Gonna tell you a story with a brand new beat!

--I realize that opening line is enough to make the trad readers out there howl like wolves.  But hey, they're little kids, and I'm OK with the light touch for something like VBS.
 

Out on the sea fishing one day
and a man walked across the water to say
"Go do the work of the Lord"

--OK, not to get literalist, but this isn't doing anything for Catholics' general rep as slackers in scripture studies.  Jesus walks on water after the disciples have been called, not as a first meeting.  I know it cuts down on the drama, but see, it has the advantage of being accurate.

It continues:

"What? How?" I ask
walking cross the water's an impossible task.
He came over, gave me his arm,
and said "Pete--I'll keep you safe from harm--


--Well, gee, Peter's crucifixion must have come as a particularly nasty surprise to him.  Jesus NEVER SAID I'LL KEEP YOU SAFE FROM HARM.  I know this may be hard teaching to tender young second graders, but still, you shouldn't be planting falsehoods in the mouth of Jesus.  How about "Pete--you gotta trust me now--go do the work of the Lord."  That works!  Even inserting "la la la la la la" would be less nuts than making up a brand new theology for the tot crowd.  What's he been listening to, Joel Osteen sermons?

--Go Do the Work of the Lord."

Refrain: Go Go--St Peter Go--Go Go--be the Rock--Go Go--St Peter Go and Do the Work of the Lord!

(Yeah, fine.  It's OK and its catchy.  Moving on)

I said yes, I'd follow that man
and so did 11 of my best friends,

(I don't know that they were best buds before meeting Jesus, but OK, maybe it refers to friendship afterward.)

The soldiers came and took him away 
and as he hung on the cross, I heard him saaaaaaaaaaay--

--PETE, YOU DIDN'T HEAR HIM SAY SQUAT!  You weren't there!  You ran away!  The cock crowed three times and then you wept bitterly?  Are you holding that last note for three measures to help you remember something you didn't witness?  What, were you bilocating?

"Go Do the Work of the Lord!"

No, it was "I thirst" and "Father, forgive them" and "Father, Into your hands I commit my spirit."  But hey, close enough!  Not.

(refrain)

Spoken: Hey Kids, how do YOU do the work of the Lord?
Kids speak: Do my homework!  (Singer: Sure!)
Wash the dishes!  (Singer: Good one!)
Clean my room!  (Singer: That's right!)

--While I appreciate the not so subtle help in getting my kiddos to help more around the house and do their work, unless he is going all "Therese's little way" on me, I wouldn't call this sort of thing the work of the Lord.  At least, not as a first teaching.  Oh, but it gets better:

Brush my teeth! (Singer: Brush my teeth?!)

--Well, what the freaking heck.  If we're making cleaning the house the work of the Lord, brushing teeth ought to count too!  We're taking care of our bodies as temples of the Holy Spirit.  Cleaning bodies works as well as washing the dishes, right??!!!  p.s. flossing is not the work of the Lord, though.  It's just a pain.

and Pray.

--finally, we have one winner, although I am surprised we're not praying about cleaning the house at this point.  You know, here's my list of what I'd like kids to learn in a song like this:  Be kind to other kids!  Help the poor!  Tell people about God!  Love your enemies!  Pray!  Would that have been so hard?

Refrain.

(...as I twitch uncontrollably.)

I don't know what the moral of this rant is other than I desperately want someone to feel my pain.  This ain't martyrdom but it ain't pretty either, day after day after day.  And someone, write some theologically good VBS music.  It can be done.  But this isn't it.

And also, my second grader walked up to me last week and said "You know, Mom, that song's crazy.  Those things aren't really the best work of the Lord.  Martha was told to sit and listen to Jesus."  God bless my second grader and our very messy house.  Amen. 

Another argument for the vow of silence

Why the universal "shush" sign? Behold:

10 Unintentionally Hilarious Christian Music Videos

Sure Beats "Lord, Who Throughout These Forty Days"

What do you get when you combine Ash Wednesday (coming up!) and classic The Police goodness?



I applaud this crazy man.

Truth Is Stranger #104: The Ave Maria...on a Saw.

HT: The Zeray Gazette.

What Child Is This/Child of the Poor

This arrangement is a wonderful combination of expressing Christ's transcendence and immanence, the humility of the Incarnation. Enjoy. And Merry Christmas...I'll be back soon.

"Thank God I'm a Maccabee!"

From reader David Martin, in the spirit of redeeming muzak to religious edification purposes, and just in time for Hanukkah:

"Thank God I'm A Maccabee!"
(to the tune of John Denver's "Thank God I'm A Country Boy!")

Well life in Judea's sure gettin' rough
The Greeks hate our faith, and their laws are pretty tough
But my brothers and me-we're made of sterner stuff
Thank God I'm a Maccabee!

No we'd never trade our faith for an earthly prize
We fight for the Lord till the day that we die
We're strong, and we're brave-and we're all circumcised!
Thank God I'm a Maccabee!

Chorus
Well, we're faithful and true and we never ignore a
Single word of the Law written down in the Torah
So remember us when you light your menorah
Thank God I'm a Maccabee!

If you want to torture me you can cut off my hands
Cut out my tongue, fry me up in the pan
But you'll never break me, 'cause I'm a God-fearin' man!
That's right, I'm a Maccabee!

Now my brother's called the Hammer,
'cause the Greeks don't faze him
You'll never catch him in one of their gymnasiums
He restored the Temple-now all the people praisium!
Thank God he's a Maccabee!

Chorus
Well, we're faithful and true and we never ignore a
Single word of the Law written down in the Torah
So remember us when you light your menorah
Thank God I'm a Maccabee!

Tell your children and their children to keep up the fight
'Cause this ain't just about a pretty Festival of Lights
Give your praise to the Lord and keep on doin' what's right
And then you'll be a Maccabee!

Chorus
Well, we're faithful and true and we never ignore a
Single word of the Law written down in the Torah
So remember us when you light your menorah
Thank God I'm a Maccabee!

Encore! Encore! Thanks, David!
(Somebody record this and put it on Youtube....)

Truth Is Stranger #81: The Heavy Metal Capuchin Monk

A video of a heavy metal monk singing. Yes.

From the BBC:

At first glance, Cesare Bonizzi looks like the archetypal Capuchin monk - round-faced, stout, with twinkling eyes and a long flowing white beard. But beneath his robes beats a heart of metal.

Brother Cesare is the lead singer in a heavy metal band which has just released its second album.

A former missionary in the Ivory Coast, he lives in a small friary in the Milan hinterland.

The 62-year-old monk's love affair with heavy metal began when he attended a Metallica concert some 15 years ago....

Full story here.

p.s. I'm traveling, visiting family the next two weeks. I have some quirky pictures and videos arranged through Blogger's pre-posting. If it looks likes I have slapped things out here...it's because I slapped things up here. Anyway, I will not be around to respond to queries. Have a good two weeks!

Hymnody Playlist To Mow The Lawn By

Got a weedy lawn? A hot day? A mower? Faith in God? All set...

so load up the IPod, get out that mower, and let's roll through the spiritual development of a typical day of lawn care:

1. Come With Me Into The Fields
2. Be Not Afraid
3. Approach, My Soul, The Mercy Seat
4. All My Trails
5. We Shall Overcome
6. Psalm 51: Be Merciful, O God
7. Weary of Earth, and Laden with My Sin
8. As A Deer For Water Longs
9. The Battle Hymn of the Republic
10. Great Things Happen When God Mixes With Us (just kidding)

Overheard Singing Amid The Papal Throngs In NYC

(Apparently many were inspired. Sing to the tune of "New York, New York")

Start spreading th' good news (softshoe shuffle)
I'm leaving today (softshoe, twirl, bam!)
I want to share a part in God! - New York, New York!
These dust laden shoes (tappity tappity tap)
are longing to stray (hey, hold on, this is good)
Right through the very heart of God! - New York, New York

I wanna "wake up" in a Savior that never sleeps
And find I'm on top of that hill - light shining bright - salt of the earth and a-praisin' so deep

(drumroll, spontaneous kickline)
These full-of-sin blues
are melting away
I'm gonna start anew with God! - in old New York!
And if I can make it up there, I'll make it anywhere (...that matters!)
It's up to God! - New York, New York!

--I.C.

Posting will be light the next two weeks: end of semester grading. Peace!

(I want to be a part of it! Humor-Blogs.com!)

Catchin' Up Saturday

Let's call this the meme/award/plug/update on life blow-out post of the year.

Awards
A number of blogs (just another day of catholic pondering, the mommy memoir, Nunblog, We Belong to the Lord) named me as an E for Excellent Blog. How sweet and cool is that. I thank you and return the link love! But I just can't choose 10 blogs to pass this along to: I nearly broke into hives nominating solitary blogs for the Catholic Blog Awards categories. So I am like those people who break a chain letter: courageous, or stick-in-the-muds who can't have a good time. Your choice, folks.

Maddy McEwen, Catholic ex-pat living across the pond and commenter extraordinaire, named me a Blog Friend Forever on her autism blog. Awww. Thanks, Maddy. But see the comment above. I can't handle the blog friend pressure!

Meme
Chased by Children chased me down me with a meme a few weeks ago, asking me to expose my quirks to the world. Gee, I've always wanted to do just that! Let's rename them...charming idiosyncrasies.

The rules for this "6 quirks" meme are:
(1) Link to the person that tagged you.
(2) List the rules on your blog.
(3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
(4) Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
(5) Let each random person know they have been tagged.

Ok, here goes, 6 unimportant things/habits/quirks:

1. I save Diet Coke bottle caps like talismans of my addiction, spreading them wherever I go.
2. I have a weird laugh. People pick me out in a crowd through my laugh.
3. I can play a mountain dulcimer.
4. When I write on the board (I'm a professor, remember?), I tap the word I am about to discuss three times. Some subtle trinitarian influence popping out, I think.
   
5. I aspire to shop at the town co-op for entirely local food, when I can afford it. Now that's irony.
   
6. I really despise pork. God knew what He was doing on that dietary law.
   

The world can rest in peace now that this knowledge has been made public. Play along if you need public therapy as well.

Plug

Yes, some of the Humor-Blogs.com clan are gunning for The Onion. This is a brand spanking new online humor magazine, and some of the articles are quite good, in my opinion. Definitely PG-13 stuff (you've been warned). If you enjoy the Onion, you want to give this a look.

Update
It's been a bit of a rough month with family illnesses and a few challenges in my immediate surrounding world, but at the moment, everyone in the family is well, and those challenges have come out better than I could have expected. Even if everything had flopped and we were still sick, God is good. But to have a space to breathe and say, Thank you, God, you are so very good! is such a blessing. I love sabbaths.

Plus I get to go to see one of my favorite humorists--Garrison Keillor's A Prairie Home Companion--today! He's doing the show three blocks from where I live! So listen in for the woman with the weird laugh in the audience.

On that note, one of my favorite "smile and enjoy our good God" songs...and a really fun Christian adaptation from the Doobie Brothers' song of my youth. Plus, Take 6 is completely awesome. If you are registered (it's free!) on Imeem, go there and listen to the whole song. You cannot listen to this song and not smile. Here's the clip:

Creative Song Conversions for Advent

Have you walked into a grocery store, department store, gas station, or doctor's office without being inundated with bad "holiday muzak"? Of course you've heard this lyrical gunk; they began playing it at Thanksgiving, a full week before advent even began. For those of us who truly want to observe advent, it is a challenge of seemingly biblical proportions. While overturning tables is probably best saved for the Lord (although there seem to be a few moneychangers about this time of year, ho ho ho), I suggest taking some of the most worthless holiday muzak and putting it to advent themes. That way, we can all walk into stores and workplaces humming an advent melody! Are you with me?

Our first lyrical conversion: Jingle Bell Rock (a song that deserves to be dropped into the deepest pit and buried alive anyway)

"The Truth In Our Rock" popularly known as "Its hard to wait"

Oh it's hard, oh it's hard, it's hard to wait
Hard to begin our journey from sin
Cleansing, repentance, and then reconcile
That will get you down your first mile

Oh it's hard, oh it's hard, it's hard to wait
Although we do know that there's more than snow
coming, and so we should prepare our hearts
Somewhere else than th' "Marts"

What a dark time, it's the right time
To live that advent through
Incarnation is th' oblation
That shows us that our God is True

Oh its hard, oh its hard, it's hard to wait
But Jesus' birth we shan't mock
Goodness, joy and peace, and our redeemed life!:
That's the Truth in our Rock!

(curtsey)

If you have your own conversions, please send them to ironiccatholic at yahoo dot com, or give it a try on your blog. I'll post a few of the best so we can all survive the season of advent.
--I.C.

I've Got The Nicene Blues

A bluesy apologetic tune from the new (and definitely worth checking out) video-sharing site www.LoveToBeCatholic.com.

p.s. I'm not sure about the Catholic Church declaring the Biblical canon in 4th century AD. I thought the canon was normalized then but not declared a closed canon until the 16th century, as a response to Luther. Other than that...it's a cute tune.

Bobby McFerrin and the Ave Maria

Not making fun of this at all: just a lovely, unusual, prayerful musical moment from an unlikely source*. Call it the irony of the unexpected.

Bobby McFerrin gets a bunch of students to sing the Ave Maria:



Or if the embed doesn't work, watch it here.

HT to Aggie Catholics.

*By the way, I know Bobby McFerrin is a brilliant musician and deserves better recognition than the "Don't Worry, Be Happy" fame. Get your hands off the comments box already! :)

Sic: Losing it

Sic, aka Spouse of the Ironic Catholic, is officially losing it.

We've had a busy, stressful week, so he gave me a hug. That was nice.

Then he began singing "I have hugged you with an everlasting hug, I have hugged you, and you are mine...." (For those who didn't grow up in a 1970s Catholic Church, that was sung to the contemporary church song "I Have Loved You").

I held it together until he reached for that High E verse opening: "Seek! the face of your Lord and you'll be hugged!"

Sacramental marriage: it's about losing your mind together. With the help of certain church songs.

Calling Garth: If St. Augustine Wrote Country Music

Ahem. To Garth Brooks and other country music singers reading this blog:
I humbly present the first truly theologically correct country music song.

My Heart is Restless (Ballad with a beat, heavy on the steel guitar)

Ohhhhh
My heart is deeply restless
Looking for true love
Until Love found me, and I found Love
Sent From Heaven Above

I was bored with reading Latin
My ma was a Christian geek
I hated just ‘bout everything
That was pure, mild and meek

That woman, she was good
Our union, it was not
She wasn’t what I needed
My life had gone to pot… oh wo wo woh... (wailing, short drum solo)

Refrain
Yeah, all those Manichaes
Really kicked me in the knees
Tempting me with Gnostic pabulum and “truth”
But they didn’t tell me so
That God loves all o’ me, I know
Now I bunk created goods for Uncreated You
Yeah Yeah

Ohhhhhh
I thought I wanted some pears
I threw them at pigs instead
What I really wanted was sin
That event really did me in

My mom loved me all through
The worst things humans can do
As I searched for meaning in fire
As I turned to everything but You... oh wo wo woh (drum solo, refrain)

(key change)
Ohhhhhh
My heart is deeply restless
Until it rests in You
You told me it takes trust
I know now that is true

I don’t deserve this love
I do deserve this pain
Of confessing my transgressions
So to confess my God is great! Oh wo wo woh

(Refrain, fade out)

--Garth, email me, babe; let’s talk.--I.C.

I Love, Love, Love EMusic

Ok, this... is a pitch. (Middle C!)

And this...is a different pitch. Yes, I've become an affiliate of emusic (the large flashy ad at left), mostly because I was thrilled to see they have lots of Catholic music downloads, cheap (in fact, the first 25 are free). So if you want to get--for free or way cheap--downloads of Richard Proulx, Latin Mass Gregorian Chant,the Notre Dame Folk Choir, David Haas, and my personal favorite, the Rennas' Catechism Rap (variety being the spice of life), please click...




...and check them out. I've been enjoying this service thoroughly.

I encourage you (not entirely altrusitically but with honest music-listening glee) to give this a whirl. All kinds of different music you can try out...who knows, you may even (gasp) like one of those songs you never expected to like....

Hummingly,
IC

Amazing Zucchini, How Huge The Yield

The Zucchini Chronicles I, The Zucchini Chronicles III

Amazing Squash! How huge the yield
That must be canned by me!
I made some bread, some mashed, some soup,
But more squash now I see

'Twas squash that taught my heart to fear,
How many can I cook? I was peeved!
How precious did that sweet bread appear,
The hour I first believed!

Through many squash borers, droughts, and blight,
I have already come;
'Tis squash that has brought me safe thus far,
And squash lead me home.

When I've been picking 10,000 years
In the bright shining sun
I've no more ways to share God's squash
Than when I'd first begun.

Beautiful rendition of the real tune, truly.

--I.C., clearly losing it