The Ironic Catholic's Top Ten "Top Ten" Lists for 2014

Hasta la vista, 2014!  It's been great!  Long!  Yearsome!  And, it's almost over.  My bloggerly friends have been posting their "Top Ten" lists...Top Ten Books, Occasions for Sitting Down, Facebook Flame Wars, etc....  Here at the Ironic Catholic, we have tried to provide the Top Ten Everything Else Catholic.  We dig the scoops for you, dear reader.  Enjoy.  And Happy New Year!

1. The Top Ten Books Written By Matthew Levering In 2014 (Look, the man's theological writing is excellent. And, uh, profuse.  I think he's gunning for Thomas Aquinas.  Don't mind me that I wrote and published a single theological tome in three years.  I am happy, I tell you happy, for him.  Anyway, pick any ten.)

Fr. Barron, get cracking on that review!

2. The Top (Or Only) Ten Movies Not Commented On By Fr. Robert Barron In 2014 (Hint: One is the Penguins of Madagascar.  But he still has 24 hours to note that "Private" is a Christ figure for the Postmodern Age, darn it.)

3. The Top Ten Catholic Media Post-Mortems For The End Of The Colbert Report (I wrote them out but the tears smudged my writing and I can't bear to go through that again and I just don't want to talk about it, OK?)

4. The Top Ten MSM News Stories That Got Pope Francis' Words Right.  (Oops, sorry, there aren't ten.  In fact, we're having a hard time finding one. So will you stop reading them already?)



It's on the internet, so this really happened. No it didn't, you schmuck.

5. The Top Ten News Stories That Seemed Like A Big Deal And MAYBE The Coming Of The Apocalypse But So Far Not THAT Bad. (What?!  You want me up all night doing this post?  Could you just insert any news story?  Especially if you heard about it primarily through facebook or Twitter? But... cough cough cough ebola-in-the-usa cough cough cough)

Accurate Synod News?  I've got nuttin'.

6.  The Top Ten Helpful News Articles On The Synod on the Family Meeting.  (Once again, we have no quorum for this.  There were a couple, but most coverage was the journalistic equivalent of hyperventilating on helium. Go back and read those articles in a Mickey Mouse voice.  There, don't you feel better?)

7.  The Top (Well, Again, Only) Ten People Left in New York City Not Profiled On Humans of New York.  (Next year: Humans of Syracuse.  I'm not terribly hopeful.)

8.  The Top Ten Catholic World Cup Miracles/Prayers/Liturgical Caxirolas/Jokes.  (Again, I'm wondering why I have to do all the work here.  I mean the event was in BRAZIL, which is practically more Catholic than Italy.  And you know you're looking up caxirolas now.)

9.  The Top Ten Catholic Buzzfeed Clickbait!  You Won't BELIEVE #6!  (Sorry, couldn't resist.)

10.  The Top Ten Satires Eye of the Tiber Missed.  (Nah, I think they've gotten them all. Kudos!)

The I Antiphons (in honor of the last week before Christmas)

I come, I come to the last week before,

and wish to shop for presents nevermore.

Make straight the way that leads to my bed,

because I'm feeling re-ally dead.

Rejoice!  Rejoice!  I come the week before

and ransom coffee from my local store.

I come to wisdom from on high

that caffeine will soon energize.

The path of peace is just days away--

it soon will stop and sitting I will stay. R.

I come to realize that setting free

the kids beneath the Christmas tree

was not the best move you'll ever see,

now Christmas presents large maracas be. R.

I come, I need a Day-spring soon to cheer

my spirits by this advent here--

Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,

Consumerism put to flight. R.

I come with a Key of King David, come,

Twill open wide our much disheveled home;

Make safe our hearts from shopping and stress,

And help us now appreciate our mess. R.

I come to plead the Lord of might,

Still Lord at the gift-buying's height

Please help us recall what advent is,
and let our neighbor love her wrapped Cheese Whiz.  R.

I come, with amaryllis root and tree,

I come with jars of pre-made nut cookies,

and cards promised in February for all:

All peoples on Thy mercy call. R.

I ask, Desire of nations, bind

in one the hearts of humankind;

Bid Thou our self-made craziness cease,

And be Thyself our King of Peace. R.

Special Pre-Christmas Offer: God's Holy Oven For Half-Baked Ideas

Some ideas look good until you open them up....

(informational advertisement)

Ladies and Gentlemen, have you opened up your oven to the floppy, sad reality of a half-baked idea?

There is no shame in addressing the past in the glow of God's ovenly light.  Don't bother denying it.  Those ovens from years past may have started out a lovely avocado green, but you know by their dirty camo appearance--they are idols.  Those ovens don't bake.

Your ideas deserve more true, warm, light filled convection.  They deserve God's Holy Oven, the Gracemore 77x7.

In the Gracemore 77x7, you can stuff that idea as an oblation within the it's open door, close it, say a prayer, and let God's Holy Oven do it's work.  Exposing the idea to God's grace will take the idea and make it suitable to serve the Kingdom of God, even if they all come over for lunch in 15 minutes.

Ideas need to be baked in the Gracemore 77x7.  It's true, some cooks say you can stew ideas, but that just makes for good philosophy.  Or you can fry ideas, but your ideas often end up burnt.  Some even grill ideas, but that's just an excuse to slather them with muddling sauce.  Baking is the method of choice, for ideas need to rise, to expand.  They reach the fullness of their being through baking in the Gracemore 77x7.

But wait, that's not all!  God's Holy Oven, the Gracemore 77x7, has a special auto shutdown feature as well.  If the idea is not suitable for baking, the Gracemore senses this reality and automatically shuts off.  And if the idea is contrary to God, the Gracemore takes its cue from the prophets and kills it with fire.  Besides being an opportunity to have dinner flambe, it is an unforgettable teaching lesson for the little kids.  And on top of all that--the Gracemore is self-cleaning.

You, too, could have a Gracemore 77x7 in your home.  Invite your local "Gracemore master" in for an informational visit today!

Donna L., Iowa: I am so grateful I have a Gracemore 77x7 in our home!  Our dinners are blessed, delicious, and edible.  We haven't had a half-baked idea in years!  Thank you!

p.s.  Act now and you can also obtain God's Holy Yeast to be used in God's Holy Oven!  Never experienced a half-baked idea again!

"The Gospel According to Melvin" continues

Allen of It Came From Allen's Brain has again unearthed a pericope from the (undoubtedly apocryphal) Gospel According to Melvin....

... Now Jesus did, on many occasions, eat with tax collectors, prostitutes, and other unsavory characters. So the Pharisees and scribes muttered to themselves, "Isn't it truly said, 'A leopard is known by his stripes, and a man by his actions'?"*
And Jesus defended himself, saying, "Suppose one of you had a hundred sheep."

And James said to him, "But we're fishermen! What would we do with sheep?"
And Andrew said, likewise, "Can you imagine taking them out on the boat? They'd probably get tangled up in the nets!"
"Yeah," said John. "And they'd probably get seasick! We'd be cleaning sheep spew out of the boats for weeks!"

But Matthew said, "Not ALL of us are fishermen, you know."

"I know," said Peter, "But did you ever hear Jesus say, Follow me and I'll make you TAXERS of men? I don't think so. And he SURELY never said, I will make you SHEEPERS of men!" And they all laughed. "I can just imagine that!" he continued, "Hey Pete, feed my sheep!"

Then Philip, who'd only been half listening, spoke up. "Wait a minute guys. Lord, did you say 'a hundred sheep' or 'a hungry sheep'?"

"I really wasn't talking to you this time, fellas," Jesus said, though by this time the Pharisees and scribes had lost interest and were discussing among themselves whether it was a sin to shove a Gentile's ox into a ditch on the Sabbath, if simply going around him meant you had to brush up against a Samaritan who was helping a wounded traveler." Jesus cleared his throat loudly and tried again. ...

Go Thou And Read It All.

If Garrison Keillor Authored the Apocalypse

It's been a quiet millennium in Lake Wobegon, my hometown, right there on the edge of the prairie.  The Sidetrack Tap got lots of business on Monday night, with the Packers game.  True, this is Minnesota, but if the Pack is playing and the Vikes aren't, you watch the Packer game to root for the opposing team and make fun of their cheesehead gear.  Well, when the Seattle team won that game on a botched referee call--after ten minutes of making Packer fans sweat it out--you would think Minnesota would rejoice.  And admittedly, given the extreme nature of the situation, you did hear a small "wooo" at the bar.  But most Minnesotans stayed true to nature, and immediately thought: this is too good to be true.  It must be a harbinger of the end times.

Actually, the Track crew wouldn't have necessarily gone straight to the end times if it hadn't been for Pastor Ingqvist, who had had a round or two with the neighbors and a bad day to boot.  He had gotten together  with other pastor buddies from the area to gather for Monday breakfast at the Chatterbox Cafe and what they called "the sin report"--you know, Agnes Hatterfoot stuck her thumb in her daughter in law's pie at the potluck, that sort of thing--but no doubt about it, this week's report was bad, really bad.  Maybe it was the election or maybe it was the end of summer and all its hopes, but everyone seemed to be out to hurt each other.  Churches coming apart, families spitting at each other, and the police blotter took up half the newspaper page.  They'd never seen such a thing.  Then Fr. Wilmer came to visit for a cup of caffeine and mentioned he had presided over 12 funeral liturgies in one week at Our Lady of Perpetual Responsibility.  Pastor Ingqvist stared at him and mentioned he had seen quite a few funerals in the past month as well, and knew some of his flock were on the edge, but he thought it was a fluke.  But 12 in a week!  Think of it, that's more like a war zone than a prairie town.  How did you do that?, he asked Fr. Wilmer.  "Caffeine," asked Fr. Wilmer.  "Why do you think I'm here, for Luther's catechism?  I'm here because I'm out of coffee!"

Then Pastor Ingqvist went to the food shelf to drop off the church donation for the month, and ran into a family, a mom and three kids, receiving their weekly allotment: some hamburger helper, cereal, and two jars of peanut butter.  He was OK until he heard the mom stage whisper to the youngest child, a boy of three, "I know you haven't eaten since Saturday night, but we have to wait until we get into the car."  As he stood in shock, he registered that they were leaving, and quietly followed them, stopping the mother and giving her the cash in his wallet--eight dollars.  As she opened her mouth to say anything, he touched her shoulder, shook his head, and walked quickly away.

What is going on? he thought.  I've seen sin, death, and hunger, but.... Dear God.  And then he thought: the apocalypse.

He was immediately a little ashamed he thought of that, after all, he was an ELCA minister, not some gullible fundamentalist hack.  That 2012 Apocalypse thing is surely a hoax, he thought.  Surely it is.  But how to explain all these events?  He went to the office and moved directly into paperwork for the Lutheran conference, collections and attendance and income and debt report, because nothing takes one's mind off the impending apocalypse like bureaucracy.  It is the perfect inoculation against dangerous biblical interpretation and cultural malaise.  He was just about through the projected church budget for the next biennium when he heard a clop.  Then another.  Then a steady clop clop clop clop clop.  Horses, he thought.  Are the Amish in town again?  He looked out the window.  Nothing.

So when a parishioner met him outside the office and suggested he watch the evening game with him and his friends, Pastor  Ingqvist thought, why not.  Judy is out of town, and after all, how does one act in the impending apocalypse?  Does one go home and watch Dancing with the Stars?  Reheat the weekend pizza?  Read Revelation for the preview?  Besides, this has to be a fluke.  So he agreed to go to the Sidetrack Tap.

When the ref bungled that game clinching call, the bar cheered in its Minnesota fashion, that is, with reserved bloodlust.  But Pastor Ingqvist felt a growing chill as the ten minute delay grew longer, and longer.  When the bad call stood, he got up and walked outside.  Looking north, he saw a strange light in the night sky, a shimmering red something, eerie but almost beautiful.  The Northern Lights?  If it's the northern lights, I should be enjoying this.  But...could the apocalypse be beautiful?  Does that three year old have food still tonight?... He shook his head.  Stop this, he told himself.  Except, according to Scripture, it could happen, anytime.  Maybe those 2012 people aren't on to anything, but even a dead clock is right twice a day.  Maybe...

He went home, fed the cat, and went to bed.  On a whim, he called Fr. Wilmer.  "Sorry to bother you, Father," he said.  "But I was just wondering--did any more parishioners of yours die this afternoon?" "Did you see that game?" he thundered.  "I've got a couple Packer fans in the parish and I'm expecting a call any minute!"  After guffawing a bit, he said "Well, Irene Donahue died this afternoon, may she rest in peace.  It was expected, after five years in the home.  Why do you ask?"  "No reason, I guess," Pastor Ingqvist replied.  "I'm just thinking strange things.  I need to sleep.  Take care of yourself, it could be an odd night."  "Really?"  asked Fr. Wilmer.  "Why do you say that?"  "Oh..." he paused.  "The game. The game ... may be over.  It's good to remember that the game may be over anytime, and ... we can fight about the calls, but at some point, it won't matter, Wil.  It just won't."  Fr. Wilmer held a long silence over the phone.  "John.  It's not a game.  It never was.  But I go to sleep praying I am found on the right side, when that call comes.  I'm sure you do as well.  We can pray for each other tonight."

And so the light shimmered a little more peacefully over my little town, for one more graced night.

That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where--in days past--all the women were strong, all the men good-looking, and the children, above average.

--I.C.

Religious Institutions Forced to Pay for Employees’ Slaves

Washington, DC, April 19, 1847: The U.S. administration, after considering a conscientious objection exemption for religious institutions, decided that Catholics institutions must pay a “forced servanthood fee” for employees who wish to own slaves, up to $1,000 a slave per year.

“It is the law of many states that slavery is legal, and white men are free to own slaves. Indeed, most white men want to own slaves, seeing how abolitionists are treated like village idiots. So it seems natural and fully American that we should force Catholic institutions in slave states to facilitate owning others, and potentially killing them if they do not fit their needs. We won’t make parishes comply because we don’t think they own slaves anyway, but every other Church affiliated institution, you have a year to change your entire moral system to suit,” argued the Secretary of Health and Human Slavery, Mr. Charles Moore.

Catholic Bishops responded with outrage, arguing the mandate trespasses the freedom of religion clause in the constitution, by forcing them to act in opposition to their doctrine. However, many people on Twitter said “They just hate slave owners and the Southern way of life, grow up #freaks”, so that must be true.

At a press conference last week, a reporter asked why the Amish and Mennonite organizations were excluded from this mandate, and the press secretary, Henry White, said, “Candidly, because their numbers are so small they don’t matter.” The reporter asked what that had to do with the constitution, and White continued, “Plus, it’s not considered politically sporting in this day and age to crush pacifists fleeing religious persecution. We thought about it, and thought, not yet. Next question?”

Many Catholics were very happy about the government giving white men money to own slaves and determine their own destiny as landowners. On the other hand, administrators at Catholic institutions were deeply concerned that they could be indirectly facilitating an evil, and perhaps more so, losing their religious identity to that of the nation state. “Where would this stop?," argued a hospital president who wished to remain nameless. "A requirement to hand out slave coupons on the campus plaza? Every Catholic hospital required to construct a slave block, in case an employed person not of the Catholic faith wanted to use it?”

The Ku Klux Klan asked people to write letters of appreciation to the administration. The Bishops asked people to resist and pray. The newspapers continued going to Twitter for their research.

Tomorrow's edition: Unnamed administration officials consider requiring Catholic elementary school to allow non-Catholic teachers to use waterboarding as corporal punishment.

--I.C.

p.s. I know this is offensive. That’s the point—so is the reality it is targeting.

p.p.s. I know there are quite a few historical oddities in this article (like Twitter in the 1840s). It's satire, people, not a history textbook.

The Old Spice Youth Minister

HT Aggie Catholics.

Summa Wednesday Fun

"Article XXXI: Whether I stole Laurie’s apple juice during nap time?

Objection I: It would seem that I stole Laurie’s apple juice during nap time. For it was said: “Thomas, go sit in the corner. And say you’re sorry to Laurie for drinking her juice” (Miss Ellen).

Objection II: Further, once in the corner, I wedgied Billy and made him eat glue.

On the contrary, it is written: “Share everything” (that poster on the wall, right above the carpet where Billy puked up the glue).

I answer that..."

See more at "St. Thomas Aquinas as a child". Heh. (Warning!, some language)

HT my friend John at Neatorama.

More Cool Things To Give Up During Lent

Ash Wednesday is only a week away--so forget giving up chocolate, sugar, and caffeine. Get your "rightly ordered loves" on and choose one of these for your six week fast:

1. All apps (includes that cool confession app. Buck up and use the parish flyer, wimps)
2. Wii. Or Glee. Or any one syllable word ending in "eeeeee".
3. Depraved indifference (hint)
   
4. Thiamin
5. Using wheels (cars, bikes, buses, office chairs, pizza cutters)
6. Wearing colors
7. Brushing your hair (hint: may want to shave it off first)
8. Your nice rosary beads. Go for plastic.*
9. Hand lotion (if you have seriously dry skin, use Vaseline petroleum jelly...it works)
10. Being "cool" (aka hawt, awesome, epic, groovy, neat, a first class panderer to the latest cultural craze, getting your Lenten observance ideas from a Catholic humor blog....)

The original cool things to give up for Lent may be found here.


--IC
*(I'm not asking you to toss your blessed rosary beads, people.)

A Rerun in Honor of the Feast of St. Augustine: The Augustine/Oprah showdown

In three movements, Augustine charitably squashes Oprah's interrogation methods like a grape and wins over the studio audience.

"Lord Spice"

HT Crazy Christian Clips.

What If Worship Were Like An NBA Game?

It's not Catholic, but it's sure ironic (and funny).
HT Crazy Christian Clips.

Sure Beats "Lord, Who Throughout These Forty Days"

What do you get when you combine Ash Wednesday (coming up!) and classic The Police goodness?



I applaud this crazy man.

The Lords of the Dance...?

A perfect Saturday night post, aka Saturday Night Fever among the clerics!

1. Ah, the things we have to do for youth ministry!:


2. I think the one below has a certain charm:


3. Finally, an Oldie but Goodie:


Big hat tip to John of The Zeray Gazette for alerting me to the first two videos.

If a luddite had a blog

...it could look like this.

(Updated regularly as long as I can stand it.)

The Ironic Catholic's Top Events of 2009

10. Wow, that celebration of Corpus Christi was awesome. I just loved the readings; they really made receiving the Body and Blood of Christ that much more special, if that could be possible.

9. I also thought the annunciation on March 25 was ultra-cool. Angels, ancient promises fulfilled, great acts of faithfulness...what's not to like?

8. You know, we don't give props to ordinary time enough. I love the changelessness of the liturgical season...at least for a few months. Ordinary can be pretty extraordinary, you know. At least, top ten.

7. Ash Wednesday. What a great opportunity...again...to see ourselves clearly and give our lives to God. One of the most honest days of 2009.

6. Here's to a fantastic Trinity Sunday 2009! What a brainy, faithful celebration of God!

5. Advent was beautiful, because it names the life of waiting for us...and we always wait. So relevant, all the time....

4. Holy Thursday and Good Friday. OK, it isn't fair to combine the two, except maybe it is--after all, the Triduum is all one liturgical celebration. The reminder of a servant God, the very idea of it! Just phenomenal.

3. Christmas. Any reason to sing the best "Basic Christian Theology on a Stick" hymn ever, Hark the Herald Angels Sing, is worth the Christmas crowds in the church parking lot.

2. Pentecost. This one sort of surprised you at #2, didn't it? But the Holy Spirit is like that...always there, always arriving, always surprising. Brilliant feast. And really, profoundly connected to #1...which is....

1. Easter. The most exciting event ever, and we get to re-live it. Still #1, yesterday, today, and forever.

(Nothing else of note happened, right?)

"The Porpoise Driven Life"

This clip gets better and better as you watch it....
Jeff Miller must be behind this!

(Hat tip to Crazy Christian Clips.)

Move over, Google.

(I like the way the typist had to re-spell Eucharist.)

HT to The Deacon's Bench.

Hey, Hey, We're the Monks!

If I had any money, I'd be paying the Crescat for all these hat tips by now.

Gd Txt 10 C

1. no1 b4 me. srsly.

2. dnt wrshp pix/idols

3. no omg's

4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)

5. pos ok - ur m&d r cool

6. dnt kill ppl

7. :-X only w/ m8

8. dnt steal

9. dnt lie re: bf

10. dnt ogle ur bf's m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob.

M, pls rite on tabs & giv 2 ppl.
ttyl, JHWH.
ps. wwjd?

Thoughtfully sent by Frankly, My Dear....

Originally found at McSweeney's.