"I am the very model of a Biblical philologist"

My sense is most people have no idea what academic study of sacred texts looks like. This ditty hints why you may not want to know....

And a big hat tip to my friend Brian for pointing me to the video!

The I Antiphons (in honor of the last week before Christmas)

I come, I come to the last week before,

and wish to shop for presents nevermore.

Make straight the way that leads to my bed,

because I'm feeling re-ally dead.

Rejoice!  Rejoice!  I come the week before

and ransom coffee from my local store.

I come to wisdom from on high

that caffeine will soon energize.

The path of peace is just days away--

it soon will stop and sitting I will stay. R.

I come to realize that setting free

the kids beneath the Christmas tree

was not the best move you'll ever see,

now Christmas presents large maracas be. R.

I come, I need a Day-spring soon to cheer

my spirits by this advent here--

Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,

Consumerism put to flight. R.

I come with a Key of King David, come,

Twill open wide our much disheveled home;

Make safe our hearts from shopping and stress,

And help us now appreciate our mess. R.

I come to plead the Lord of might,

Still Lord at the gift-buying's height

Please help us recall what advent is,
and let our neighbor love her wrapped Cheese Whiz.  R.

I come, with amaryllis root and tree,

I come with jars of pre-made nut cookies,

and cards promised in February for all:

All peoples on Thy mercy call. R.

I ask, Desire of nations, bind

in one the hearts of humankind;

Bid Thou our self-made craziness cease,

And be Thyself our King of Peace. R.

The Cost of Discipleship? A Bargain at $16!

Hat tip to my friend Kelly Johnson, through facebook, who wisely noted "Well, it may be cheap, but it still isn't free."

#AddAWordRuinAChristianBook

Reported at Religion News Service--I so wish I had been in on this!  But the results are hysterical.

Christ and Culture Club #AddaWordRuinaChristianBook
— Fred Provencher (@FredProvencher) October 10, 2013

Sinners in the hands of an angry Godzilla #AddaWordRuinAChristianBook
— Ben Myers (@FaithTheology) October 8, 2013

#AddaWordRuinaChristianBook Lord of the Onion Rings
— Catholic Problems (@CatholicPrblm) October 8, 2013

The Great Divorce Lawyer #addawordruinachristianbook
— Tim Canny (@tcanny) October 9, 2013

Go read RNS' selection herel.

I have retweeted some I really like, and created a few of my own.  Feel free to follow the twitter feed, by the way.

And friends, these are great, but mostly driven by well known Protestant Christian books (like The Purpose Driven Life, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, etc.).  Can we do this with really well known Catholic titles?  Go to twitter and use the hashtag #addawordruinachristianbook .  Enjoy!

Talk Like a Pirate Day 2013: On Bleedin' Eagles' Wings, Bucko!

Mateys, all together now!

Ye who dwell in th' brig o' th' Lord

Who abide und'r His sails for life

Say to th' Lord

"Me refuge, me port in whom I trust!"

Arrrrrrrrr, and He will raise ye up on eagles' wings

Bear ye on th' breath o' dawn

Make ye to spitshine like th' sun

And hold ye on th' handle o' cutlass.

Th' plank o' the whipstand will nev'r capture ye

And keelhauls will bring ye no fear

Under His sails yer refuge

His faithfulness, yer burgoo.

Arrrrrrrr, and He will raise ye up on eagles' wings

Bear ye on th' breath o' dawn

Make ye to spit-shine like th' sun

And hold ye on th' handle o' His cutlass.

Ye need not fear th' storms o' th' night

Nor th' cannon thar blows by day

Though thousands feed the fishies

Near ye it shall not come.

Arrrrrrrrr, and He will raise ye up on eagles' wings

Bear ye on th' breath o' dawn

Make ye to spit-shine like th' sun

And hold ye on th' handle o' His cutlass.

For t' His angels He's said "Ahoy, buckos!--

Ye guard 'im in all o' his ways"

Upon their hands they will bear ye up

Lest ye be scurvy landlubber sharkbait.

Arrrrrrrrr, and He will raise ye up on eagles' wings

Bear ye on th' breath o' dawn

Make ye to spit-shine like th' sun

And hold ye on th' handle o' His cutlass.

With all apologies to those who adore the song, and the composer, who I have worked with and is a fine human being.  Arrr, I be eatin' extra wormy biscuits fer this.

More Talk Like a Pirate day meets the Ironic Catholic fun here.

Car Talk Meets Pope Francis: a dream come true

Pope Francis lays eyes on his 1984 Renault.  From the CNS article linked below.

Well, Pope Francis calling in to Car Talk would be a dream come true (I know, Tom and Ray retired, I'm still in denial).  But this is sure close.

VATICAN CITY — Leave it to the slapstick brothers, Tom and Ray, at Car Talk to have a field day with the news of Pope Francis’ recent present: a lovingly used 30 hp 1984 Renault 4.

Closely followed by this story (Papa Francis: "Security!, remember you are dust and to dust you shall return!  Woooo!").

Car Talk's first comment on Twitter: "The Pope buys a used Renault.  Now there is a man who believes in the power of prayer."

And others joined in:

• I always thought the Pope would drive a Christ-ler
• “Tu illam inundarunt” (Latin for “You flooded it”).
• The pope can easily handle a flooded engine. Even if it’s of Biblical proportions.
• He needs one of two bumper stickers. #1, God is my co-pilot. OR #2, My other car is the Pope Mobile.
• I haven’t seen car trouble like this since we tried to fit all the Apostles in one Accord.
• It’s either burning oil, or you’ve just been replaced.
• “A little black smoke is fine, just watch out for the white smoke”.
• If you see a lot of white smoke, it might mean it’s time to elect a new car.
• The black smoke means that a new car must still be chosen.
• Ashes to Ashes
  Dust to Dust.
  If not for Renault
  Our tools would rust.
• Look the Vatican acquired a new relic.
• “The Spiritus Sancti made manifold…”
• Last Rides, anyone? (Extreme disfUnction)
• Pop that lever and let’s see what’s under the sainthood.
• 20 years to go 186,000 miles? Light can do that in one second.
• “Well, sir, it keeps overheating because the water in the radiator keeps turning to wine…”
• If they can cram 6 or 7 parishioners in it to drive to St. Peter’s on Sunday, is it considered Mass Transit?
• If he wanted to follow The Lord, the Pope would drive a Plymouth: “Behold, I will gather them out of all countries, where I have driven them in my anger, and in my FURY” – Jeremiah 32:37, King James Edition
• and in the UK we use “and Moses came down from Sinai in his Triumph (probably a stag or TR6)”
• No, no, no. Clearly holy people are Honda lovers. “All these with one accord were devoting themselves to prayer, together with the women and Mary the mother of Jesus, and his brothers.”

And so it continues over on Twitter.  Happy Friday indeed.

"The Gospel According to Melvin" continues

Allen of It Came From Allen's Brain has again unearthed a pericope from the (undoubtedly apocryphal) Gospel According to Melvin....

... Now Jesus did, on many occasions, eat with tax collectors, prostitutes, and other unsavory characters. So the Pharisees and scribes muttered to themselves, "Isn't it truly said, 'A leopard is known by his stripes, and a man by his actions'?"*
And Jesus defended himself, saying, "Suppose one of you had a hundred sheep."

And James said to him, "But we're fishermen! What would we do with sheep?"
And Andrew said, likewise, "Can you imagine taking them out on the boat? They'd probably get tangled up in the nets!"
"Yeah," said John. "And they'd probably get seasick! We'd be cleaning sheep spew out of the boats for weeks!"

But Matthew said, "Not ALL of us are fishermen, you know."

"I know," said Peter, "But did you ever hear Jesus say, Follow me and I'll make you TAXERS of men? I don't think so. And he SURELY never said, I will make you SHEEPERS of men!" And they all laughed. "I can just imagine that!" he continued, "Hey Pete, feed my sheep!"

Then Philip, who'd only been half listening, spoke up. "Wait a minute guys. Lord, did you say 'a hundred sheep' or 'a hungry sheep'?"

"I really wasn't talking to you this time, fellas," Jesus said, though by this time the Pharisees and scribes had lost interest and were discussing among themselves whether it was a sin to shove a Gentile's ox into a ditch on the Sabbath, if simply going around him meant you had to brush up against a Samaritan who was helping a wounded traveler." Jesus cleared his throat loudly and tried again. ...

Go Thou And Read It All.

Theologically Unfortunate Ad Placement

 

The incarnation: I'm lovin' it.

HT Artur Sebastian Rosman.

Those "Coexist" folks sure have made life confusing

 I present: Exhibit A.

Psalm 42, New Revised Pirate Version

(Ahoy, me hearties! It be Talk Like a Pirate Day!)

Psalm 42

To a pirate marooned, or facing th' Cat O Nine Tails.

1 As th' jolly roger longs fer streams o' water,
so me soul thirsts pants fer ye, me God.
2 Me soul thirsts fer God, fer th' liv'n God.
When can I go an' rendezvous wi' God?
3 Me tears have b'n me burgoo day an' night,
while people say t' me all day long, “Where be your bleedin' God, bucko?”
4 These things I remember as I pour out me soul:
how I used t' go t' th' brigantine o' God under th' protection o' th' Almighty Buccaneer
wi' shouts o' joy an' praise among th' festive mateys.
 5 Why, me soul, be ye downcast? Why drowned in bilge within me?
 Put yer hope in God, matey, fer I will yet praise Him, me Sailor an' me God.
 6 Me soul be downcast within me; therefore I will reakon you from th' sea o' Galilee,
th' ports o' Holy call.
7 Deep calls t' blistering deep in th' roar o' your waterfalls;
all yer waves and breakers have swept over me ship like a storm at yer sea.
8 By day th' Lord directs his fair winds, at night his pennywhistle be wi' me—
a prayer t' th' God o' me life on the holy account.
 9 I say t' God me Rock, “Why hast ye forgotten me?
Why must I go bout mourn'n, oppressed by th' landlubbers?”
10 Me bones suffer the Davies as me foes take a cutlass to me,
say'n t' me all day blitheringly long, “Where be your God?”
 11 Why, me soul, be ye downcast? Why so unseaworthily disturbed within me? Put yer hope in God, fer I will yet swab His holy deck, me Sailor an' me God.

Arrrrrrrrrmen.

(If ye be going piratical on ye landlubbin' blog, give me ye link and a cup o grog and I be linkin' to it here.)

• It Came From Allen's Brain: The Gospel of Melvin, Piratical Version 
• Acts o' th' Apostasy's Cap'n Morgan an' Piratical Church Hymns (and I'd be commenting on thar fine work if Wordpress weren't a landlubbin' scallywag of a blogging plank, making me walk it ev'ry time)

It's not a face palm, it's a ...

HT to Michael Riecken.

(Miss you all. Very busy.)

Bonanza Meets The Church Choir

The Beginning of Catholic Love of Basketball....

Photo credit here.

We all need a break today....

(Get it?)

Calgon, Take Me Away! If Calgon Commercialized Psalm 63

Such a missed opportunity. Especially for harried parents. And church workers.

¹ You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
all my skin longs for you,
in a dry and parched life
where there is no bathwater.

² I have hoped for you in the bathroom
and beheld your promise of quiet and cleanliness.
³ Because your soap is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
⁴ I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lather my hands.
⁵ I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of bath salts;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

⁶ In my bathtub I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
⁷ Because you are my help,
I sing in the shower of your wings.
⁸ I cling to the guardrail;
your bathmat anchors me.

⁹ Those who want to interrupt me will be destroyed;
they will go down to the depths of the earth.
¹⁰ They will be given over to the lye soap
and become dry like dermal sandpaper.

¹¹ But my skin will rejoice in God;
all who swear by God will glory in bubbles,
while the mouths of lye-ers will be silenced.

(Sorry in advance.)

A Month Late But Worth It

Talk Like A Pirate Day, we miss ye.

***

Arr, ye Whoppin' Big Bleg fer Alex continues.

But I wanted to be your faithful tweeton, Lord!

From all over the place on facebook.

F'thr Pete the Pirate Receives His First Parish Assignment

A once a year series in honor of Talk Like A Pirate Day, mateys. Arrrg! Pass the grog!

***

Last we port Pete th' Swashbuckler, he be gettin' ordained t' th' Holy Priesthood. Now our matey an` spiritual f`thr got hisself a parish, Star o' th' Sea Church. The Bishop be striding up to make a friendly call.

Bishop: Ahoy thar, F'thr Pete!

Fr Pete (smiling): Yo ho ho, it be me fa'orite landlubbing Bishop! How be ye today?

Bishop: Right fine, Pete. 'Tis a beauty of a day in God's good creation. I jus' be wanting to check and see how you be gettin' along thar.

Fr Pete: Bishop, I be doin' grand. I be havin' started all these new evangelization projects, an' th' swabbies seem t' be really respondin' t' them.

Bishop: Ye don't say now? Tell me, bucko.

Fr Pete: Garrr. Well, I decided t' start simple, be seein', an' I told th' hospitality committee they be servin' burgoo instead o' donuts after Mass fer now on. T' be in sympathy wi' th' poor, I be seein'.

Bishop: Aye?

Fr Pete: Aye, they be shoveling it down their gullet right smart when I be looking at them--and this Lent, we be servin' hardtack. And then th' Holy Church, I noticed 't be needin' a spit-shine, 't be lookin' starboard dingy fer our Lord's house. So I gave th' clistin' committee lassies some holystones an' told them t' swab 'till they be seeing their reflection in th' pews. Aye, they be a bunch of sprogs, but I be done proud. They be working 12, 14 hours on th' Holy poopdeck thar.

Bishop: Arrr, F'thr Pete....

Fr Pete: Oh, and Bishop, I be saving the best for last. When I be askin' fer lectors an' musicians, th' entire parish signed up. Ever' last mate. They be fightin' t' be first in line, I tell ye!

Bishop (forcefully): F'thr Pete, belay already--sit ye down. I be afraid somet'ing is happenin' here.

Fr Pete: Success, yer Excellency?

Bishop: Ah, no, me son. I think yer parish be frightened of ye. They be having the Davies, like.

Fr Pete: Avast, Bishop! It canna be! I be as gentle as th' cook servin' extra slop t' th' sea sick ones below deck!

Bishop: Bucko, think ye back now. Say you anyt'ing to be threat'ning, at all? No jokes about walkin' th' plank?

Fr Pete: Shiver me timbers, Bishop. I be givin' me life to Christ, and dunna joke about such a thing. All I be doing is asking the mateys from my days of livin' on the account to help out.

Bishop: "Help out"?

Fr Pete: Aye, Jack an` Jamie an` Henry asked to be baptized aft`r me ordination, an' wantin` t' help. So I be havin' them be`in greeters t' th' congregation.

Bishop (sighing): F'thr, I be speakin' clearly now: I have gott'n complaints about some o' yer mateys growling that they be wanting to "keelhaul yer souls" when the parishioners be walking in. Anot'er told a lassie "Wench, get ye covered or I be wrappin' a sail about ye" and another that th' cat o' nine tails is a hangin' in wait fer the first heretic they be finding.

Fr Pete: Arr. The buckos ar' enthusiastic, like.

Bishop: Aye, but first thin' they be hearin` in yer foyer, laddie? Tis a hospital fer sinners an' a house o' mercy, Pete. Ye know that better than most. An' yer flock, they need be knowin' that. I know yer heart be good, Pete, but yer flock nay be as tough as yer mateys.

Fr Pete: I be talkin' to the buckos smartly, Bishop. I hear ye and be takin' care of it.

Bishop: An' I be stopping the burgoo, lad. It being the day of the resurrection an all. Resurrection and burgoo, nay, it dunna mix.

Fr Pete: Righto, me Cap'n Bishop. But may I ask ye one thing?

Bishop: O' course, me son.

Fr Pete: May I be applying me new pirate evangelization approach for the toughest biscuits? ...like... Adult Faith Formation?

Bishop (pauses to think, nods): Aye, F'thr Pete, wit' me every blessing. `Tis our cross t` bear, an' ye strike ou' t` sail against that storm immediately. God go wit' ye, me lad.

Fr Pete strides purposefully into the Church, chuckling yo ho ho ho ho....



(...an' this be call'd a cliffhang'r! See ye next year!)

UPDATE! Ahoy, I see up from t' mizzenmast--thar be Cap'n Morgan's words o' wisdom at LarryD's jollyboat!

***
Photo credit.

Rejected Scriptural Tabloid Headlines, Continued

First Couple: Bite, Fight, Flight

Surprise: No Smite

(Genesis 3)

Rejected Scriptural Tabloid Headlines

(A series this week.)

"God Made Bod From Sod" (Gen 2:7)

Related story: God Made Cod (John 6:1-15)

From Archangel's Advocate, Swedish edition: God Made Dud From Mud