Another Ponderous Theological Question

We haven't had one in a while.

This morning, I was hurriedly dressing for the day--teaching theology at a university. As a former colleague once said, this is the only profession where it pays to be dowdy. But not when you meet people outside the university environment. Well, on the schedule: meeting with our local bishop and Theology students, together. I dress accordingly: not a suit but a rather nice top and skirt. I joyfully pick up my snugglebunny six month old son for a final nursing before handing him to his dad for the day, and snugglebunny celebrates the morning by pooping all over me. I hurriedly change/clean him and change my outfit, which is now the more "I'm a decidely casual educational professional" look--because it was what was clean in the closet before catching the 8am bus.

Question: Is this last minute soiling God's way of nudging the universe? Aye or nay, theologians of the street?

Repeat #5: Why can't devout mothers mystically bilocate?

Found here under the series "Ponderous Questions"....

Retrieved from the circular files of the Vatican. This series started here.

To Whom It May Concern
St. Peter's Basilica
Vatican City

(Jelly stain here)

I have been reading about saints receiving the grace of bilocation: such as St. Anthony of Padua, Padre Pio, and more. While I have been inspired and impressed by such miracles, I would like the Church to explore why this grace hasn't been given more often to those who really need it: mothers. That's right, I know that the celibate life is a sacrifice and a grace, but it seems to me that this gift is kind of wasted on them. Now, I have five kids. In any given moment, I need to attend them all to make sure #1 isn't smearing fingerpaint into the carpet, #2 isn't trying to hardboil an egg in the microwave, #3 isn't arm-wrestling the cat again, #4 isn't rummaging the garbage for his latest snack, and #5 hasn't pulled off her diaper in an effort to "help go potty". If the Church could please advise how to pray for the grace of bilocation--or trilocation? quadlocation? quintlocation?--for discipline purposes, I would be eternally grateful.

I also think you would be creating a real niche in the parenting self-help book market: a title like Parent Like A Saint: Bilocate your way to well-behaved kids would sell like hotcakes in my parish.

Thanks for your consideration,
Harried Mom

Ponderous Questions: Whence the role of nausea in discernment?

An ongoing series of questions retrieved from the circular file in an interior office of the Vatican. More here.

Dear to Whom It May Concern:

I believe I had an encounter with bad egg salad this afternoon after teaching a class about discernment. Considering Ignatius of Loyola's rules for discernment of spirits:

Could nausea ever mean something other than discernment of a bad spirit? Is a cigar sometimes just a cigar? What if the cigar causes the nausea? What if a cigar was in the egg salad? Can one smoke an egg? Does the nausea come from my soul? My warmed-over egg? My blog? Please, how can I tell?

Just wondering. Off to the restroom now. Please advise stat.

Sincerely,
Ooough.

p.s. I just had a flu shot, if that helps.

Ponderous Question: Has Anyone Had A Sacred Family Meal In This Century?

Retrieved from the circular file at the Vatican. More of this series here.

Dear Whoever Reads This At The Vatican:

My priest told us in our Generations of Faith that we are a Church of the Table, that partaking the Eucharistic meal together identifies us as children of God. That sounded really good, until he said that it formed us supernaturally, somewhat in the way the ordinary sacredness of the family dinner naturally forms us.

Has anyone had a sacred family dinner anytime this past century? I mean, really? My two year old just smeared spaghetti all over herself, the table, and floor. My seven year old sick son sat down (I use that phrase loosely, his backside was within an inch of some part of his chair) and promptly coughed all over the food. My five year old whined the entire time that the carrots were too spicy (nothing but butter, thank you). We ask for information about the day, and get "too much too tell" interspersed by demands for milk, no water, no spaghetti, not with meat on it I hate that, no more carrots, but take the spices off. And could you once put it in the form of a polite question? Or else you cannot go to gymnastics! I mean it! OK, up to your room!

I humbly and politely question the appropriateness of the analogy. Dinnertime with young children "forms" me into MommyMonster (TM), not a child of God. If you could put out a APB to the priests through a Papal Bull, telling them to tone down that analogy, it would be much appreciated. Otherwise I will have to lower the boom.

I will invite the priest to dinner.

Don't make me go there.

Your humble servant,
MommyMonster (TM)

Ponderous Question: If time is a human construction, why is there never enough of it?

See the series here. Found in the circular file of offices deep within Vatican City....

Dear Holy People in Charge,

Hello, it's me again. When I attended my Jesuit university, my philosophy professor told me that time was a human construct, that is, in God's reign time may be entirely different, even non-existent: "the kairos, or the fullness of time." I always thought that was pretty interesting as a college student with some time to kill, and the ability to stay up all night without consequences. But as a middle-aged mother with young kids, I now humbly beg to differ. If human beings are the ones who make up this thing we call "time," why can't we make enough of it? If we added just a little extra time, I can give each kid good attention, pray, go to Mass, cook a decent meal, clean a bit, have meaningful conversations with my husband, and blog. I mean, look at the cover of any women's magazine: every issue contains articles on how to diet, how to bake chocolate, how to exercise, and how to manage time. If Women's Day is our cultural bellwether, lack of time is clearly a crisis.

Seriously, could the Church get behind adding a couple of extra hours to the day? Especially if they are dedicated to prayer? I see you got this motu propio thing going, and I personally think that an ecumenical Council on the universal time shortage wouldn't be out of place. I firmly believe that God can do all things, and I can do all things through God who strengthens me. But the Church can and should help, and should encourage the universal vocation to holiness by adding these extra two hours. The mothers of the world thank you in advance.

I also think it would give philosophers something concrete to debate for the next few years--"why they could do that"--and that could keep them out of trouble and off the streets, debating whether lampposts exist.

By the way, mornings are my best time, and some extra minutes in each hour between 8am-Noon would work nicely for me. Thanks.

In the love of our God who never sleeps,
Sleepy.

--I.C.

Ponderous Questions: Why couldn't the Vatican use its influence on Daylight Savings Time?

This is part of a series: questions intercepted from the "circular file" of the Vatican offices. See the rest of the series here.

To Whom It May Concern
St. Peter's Basilica
Vatican City

Dear Sirs:
Having woken up bleary-eyed to the adjusted time the United States euphemistically calls "Daylight Savings Time," I really have to question why the Holy Mother Church has not used her influence to challenge this policy. I trust the Church to challenge the creeping edges of the culture of death, and this is indeed an example of that.

I took a theology class in college, and as my professor puzzlingly said to me, I now know enough theology to be seriously dangerous. I take that to mean I am fit to speak for the Church in times of danger. This, your Holiness, is such a time. I make bold to speak the divine truth against Daylight Savings Time, especially when presented early in the abhorrent month of March.

As we know, the dating of time is a human creation, for God is beyond time. If time is a human construct, then it is open to the twistedness of original sin. Although time as we date it is neutral, daylight savings time is clearly against God's will.

1. After all, in Gen 1:5: "God called the light day, and the darkness night." DST is an idolatrous human attempt to improve upon God, and extend the light for specious reasons.
2. "In the night I remember you" (Psalm 119:56): indeed, but how can we do that when we're staring like crack addicts at the sunlight at 8pm?
3. And "In the morning, O Lord, You hear my voice, in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait with expectation." (Psalm 5:3) Well, how do I know when it is morning when the sun isn't coming up? See how this perverts God's natural order and goodness?

I know it is out of fashion to say "error has no rights," but if there was ever a case for it, here it is. I beg you to speak out against the cruelty and confusion of early Daylight Savings Time. I trust that it is a matter of both reason and faith and observable by natural law. Thank you.

In weariness and Christian love,
Sleepy the Dwarf

Ponderous Questions #2: Don't mothers deserve the mystical grace of bilocation most?

Retrieved from the circular files of the Vatican. This series started here.

To Whom It May Concern
St. Peter's Basilica
Vatican City

(Jelly stain here)

I have been reading about saints receiving the grace of bilocation: such as St. Anthony of Padua, Padre Pio, and more. While I have been inspired and impressed by such miracles, I would like the Church to explore why this grace hasn't been given more often to those who really need it: mothers. That's right, I know that the celibate life is a sacrifice and a grace, but it seems to me that this gift is kind of wasted on them. Now, I have five kids. In any given moment, I need to attend them all to make sure #1 isn't smearing fingerpaint into the carpet, #2 isn't trying to hardboil an egg in the microwave, #3 isn't arm-wrestling the cat again, #4 isn't rummaging the garbage for his latest snack, and #5 hasn't pulled off her diaper in an effort to "help go potty". If the Church could please advise how to pray for the grace of bilocation--or trilocation? quadlocation? quintlocation?--for discipline purposes, I would be eternally grateful.

I also think you would be creating a real niche in the parenting self-help book market: a title like Parent Like A Saint: Bilocate your way to well-behaved kids would sell like hotcakes in my parish.

Thanks for your consideration,
Harried Mom

Intercepted From the Circular File at the Vatican: Ponderous Questions (a new series)

Retrieved from the wastebasket of mail addressed to "Whoever Cares, Somewhere around St. Peter's, Vatican City". --I.C.

To Whom It May Concern,
Why isn't the feast of St. John of the Cross, Doctor of the Church and writer of The Dark Night, on the darkest night of the year (December 21) instead of today, December 14? Hmmm? Who messed that one up? To whom do we register a complaint? Frankly, I expect more attention to devotional detail from a quality organization such as yourselves.

Another problem: the southern hemisphere is flat out of luck, isn't it. Long days of warmth and sunshine and we're supposedly observing the purgation that comes with the felt absence of God. Yeah, that's incentive. Better weather for celebrating someone like St. Francis, don't you think?

And celebrating this feast in Antartica on December 14 is just one cruel joke. Sun 24-7. He didn't call it the bright night, kids.

I'm considering reporting this incongruity to the Better Business Bureau.

Have a nice day!