"The Ugliest Churches in the World"

I am an open-minded sort of religionista.  I think there is a wide subjective range of possibilities for sacred space that work well: gothic, white clapboard, stone, more.

This church, and others on the site, absolutely do not work well.  Ever, ever, ever.

It Did Not Come Upon A Midnight Clear: More Horrid Nativity Sets, with commentary

Grrrrrrrrrr. 

Also, somewhere, there is a Doggie Last Supper where Judas in clearly rabid.

And then an angel appeared, pronouncing: "DO NOT. DROWN. THE SON. OF GOD."

or

Didn't Mary and Joseph get that video in the hospital, "Do not shake the baby!"?

This also substitutes as a lovely bocce set.  Oh wait, I think it is one.

or

Calling the Walker Art Museum!

The kicker is there is a wind-up music box in the back playing "Feliz Navidad."

All of them (sob) found here.

Caption Contest #89

Picture found here.

I'll start:  How many things are theologically wrong with this picture?

This post is spinning off a facebook posting, which I now cannot find...so I apologize for not giving credit and the hat tip.  If you know who you are, tell me and I'll gladly give credit for spotting this...heretical monstrosity.

The Ugliest Vestments Eveh

Vestments, inspired by Crayola

I know there are fine Catholic people on this list.  We hate the vestments, love the vestment wearer here, thanks.

You have been warned: 

The Ugliest Vestments Ever Worn

p.s. If there is a rule in common, it seems to be the need to upstage God's rainbows. (With the exception of the big gray cloud, which was sort of a relief in this list.)

The Apocalypse Approacheth, Again: Have Icons, Will Travel

Some see their signs in off cuff Papal remarks, dancing bishops,and questions about the purity of Catholic charities.  Huh. 

I see my sign of the apocalypse in this:

 

AUUUGGGGHHHHHHH! 

Do your penance now, people.

Hat tip to Owen Swaim on facebook.

How Ms Frizzle Is A Lot Like Thomas Aquinas

 No one commented when I said my resolution was become the Ms Frizzle of theology for 2013.  I see you clearly need convincing of the value of my quest.  Ergo, to the bus!  The ten ways Ms. Frizzle is a lot like St. Thomas Aquinas....

1. Thomas Aquinas explores every question known to man in a deliberate, turn over every philosophical stone manner.  Ms. Frizzle frequently shrunk her students to the size of stones to look at matter in a more detailed way. 
2. Thomas Aquinas' Summa Theologiae is a masterpiece of argument and counterargument, resolved after getting everything out on the table.  Ms. Frizzle's motto is "Take chances, make mistakes, get messy!"  Same thing.
3. Thomas Aquinas wore a Dominican habit with a rosary and scapular.  Ms. Frizzle wore the classic 1980s simple teaching dress covered with the topic of the day.  In other words, they wore their calling.
4. Albert the Great called Thomas "the Whiz" (when "the Dumb Ox" moniker was insufficiently appreciated).  Ms Frizzle was called "the Friz."
5. Ms. Frizzle had Lizzy the Lizard as a helper, sidekick, and occasional bus driver.  Thomas Aquinas probably had graduate assistants.
6. Thomas Aquinas was a mendicant, a member of a teaching order that relied on providence for daily bread.  Ms. Frizzle was an impoverished public school teacher. 
7. Ms. Frizzle took her students on field trips.  Thomas Aquinas took his students on head trips.
8. Thomas Aquinas said "sed contra."  Ms. Frizzle said "Bus, do your stuff!"
9. Thomas Aquinas had students who needed life lessons mixed in with their logic.  Ms. Frizzle had the very same students.
10. Thomas's Summa remains unfinished.  The Magic School Bus is crying for completion of the series.

Bonus: Ms. Frizzle often said "Wahoo!"  Thomas Aquinas said "Alleluia."

If Garrison Keillor Authored the Apocalypse

It's been a quiet millennium in Lake Wobegon, my hometown, right there on the edge of the prairie.  The Sidetrack Tap got lots of business on Monday night, with the Packers game.  True, this is Minnesota, but if the Pack is playing and the Vikes aren't, you watch the Packer game to root for the opposing team and make fun of their cheesehead gear.  Well, when the Seattle team won that game on a botched referee call--after ten minutes of making Packer fans sweat it out--you would think Minnesota would rejoice.  And admittedly, given the extreme nature of the situation, you did hear a small "wooo" at the bar.  But most Minnesotans stayed true to nature, and immediately thought: this is too good to be true.  It must be a harbinger of the end times.

Actually, the Track crew wouldn't have necessarily gone straight to the end times if it hadn't been for Pastor Ingqvist, who had had a round or two with the neighbors and a bad day to boot.  He had gotten together  with other pastor buddies from the area to gather for Monday breakfast at the Chatterbox Cafe and what they called "the sin report"--you know, Agnes Hatterfoot stuck her thumb in her daughter in law's pie at the potluck, that sort of thing--but no doubt about it, this week's report was bad, really bad.  Maybe it was the election or maybe it was the end of summer and all its hopes, but everyone seemed to be out to hurt each other.  Churches coming apart, families spitting at each other, and the police blotter took up half the newspaper page.  They'd never seen such a thing.  Then Fr. Wilmer came to visit for a cup of caffeine and mentioned he had presided over 12 funeral liturgies in one week at Our Lady of Perpetual Responsibility.  Pastor Ingqvist stared at him and mentioned he had seen quite a few funerals in the past month as well, and knew some of his flock were on the edge, but he thought it was a fluke.  But 12 in a week!  Think of it, that's more like a war zone than a prairie town.  How did you do that?, he asked Fr. Wilmer.  "Caffeine," asked Fr. Wilmer.  "Why do you think I'm here, for Luther's catechism?  I'm here because I'm out of coffee!"

Then Pastor Ingqvist went to the food shelf to drop off the church donation for the month, and ran into a family, a mom and three kids, receiving their weekly allotment: some hamburger helper, cereal, and two jars of peanut butter.  He was OK until he heard the mom stage whisper to the youngest child, a boy of three, "I know you haven't eaten since Saturday night, but we have to wait until we get into the car."  As he stood in shock, he registered that they were leaving, and quietly followed them, stopping the mother and giving her the cash in his wallet--eight dollars.  As she opened her mouth to say anything, he touched her shoulder, shook his head, and walked quickly away.

What is going on? he thought.  I've seen sin, death, and hunger, but.... Dear God.  And then he thought: the apocalypse.

He was immediately a little ashamed he thought of that, after all, he was an ELCA minister, not some gullible fundamentalist hack.  That 2012 Apocalypse thing is surely a hoax, he thought.  Surely it is.  But how to explain all these events?  He went to the office and moved directly into paperwork for the Lutheran conference, collections and attendance and income and debt report, because nothing takes one's mind off the impending apocalypse like bureaucracy.  It is the perfect inoculation against dangerous biblical interpretation and cultural malaise.  He was just about through the projected church budget for the next biennium when he heard a clop.  Then another.  Then a steady clop clop clop clop clop.  Horses, he thought.  Are the Amish in town again?  He looked out the window.  Nothing.

So when a parishioner met him outside the office and suggested he watch the evening game with him and his friends, Pastor  Ingqvist thought, why not.  Judy is out of town, and after all, how does one act in the impending apocalypse?  Does one go home and watch Dancing with the Stars?  Reheat the weekend pizza?  Read Revelation for the preview?  Besides, this has to be a fluke.  So he agreed to go to the Sidetrack Tap.

When the ref bungled that game clinching call, the bar cheered in its Minnesota fashion, that is, with reserved bloodlust.  But Pastor Ingqvist felt a growing chill as the ten minute delay grew longer, and longer.  When the bad call stood, he got up and walked outside.  Looking north, he saw a strange light in the night sky, a shimmering red something, eerie but almost beautiful.  The Northern Lights?  If it's the northern lights, I should be enjoying this.  But...could the apocalypse be beautiful?  Does that three year old have food still tonight?... He shook his head.  Stop this, he told himself.  Except, according to Scripture, it could happen, anytime.  Maybe those 2012 people aren't on to anything, but even a dead clock is right twice a day.  Maybe...

He went home, fed the cat, and went to bed.  On a whim, he called Fr. Wilmer.  "Sorry to bother you, Father," he said.  "But I was just wondering--did any more parishioners of yours die this afternoon?" "Did you see that game?" he thundered.  "I've got a couple Packer fans in the parish and I'm expecting a call any minute!"  After guffawing a bit, he said "Well, Irene Donahue died this afternoon, may she rest in peace.  It was expected, after five years in the home.  Why do you ask?"  "No reason, I guess," Pastor Ingqvist replied.  "I'm just thinking strange things.  I need to sleep.  Take care of yourself, it could be an odd night."  "Really?"  asked Fr. Wilmer.  "Why do you say that?"  "Oh..." he paused.  "The game. The game ... may be over.  It's good to remember that the game may be over anytime, and ... we can fight about the calls, but at some point, it won't matter, Wil.  It just won't."  Fr. Wilmer held a long silence over the phone.  "John.  It's not a game.  It never was.  But I go to sleep praying I am found on the right side, when that call comes.  I'm sure you do as well.  We can pray for each other tonight."

And so the light shimmered a little more peacefully over my little town, for one more graced night.

That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where--in days past--all the women were strong, all the men good-looking, and the children, above average.

--I.C.

Things that make you go "huh."

Warrior Nun Areala?

...First I've heard of it (it's not new)...

Honestly,  I am without words.  Although I am considering "oh dear", "eek", "ugh", "get me out of her way", and "ew".

***

(HT: Lisa Marrero)

Behold the Ark of the Covenant ... Cake

Sometimes, there are no words.

(Check out the licorice snakes in the sugar dust?  Um, sweet.)

See the image if you dare at Nerdalicious.

Bumper stickers suddenly look subtle...

The Apocalypse Approacheth #927: The Zombie Nativity

The apocalypse approacheth...or the Incarnation of Christ...whatever, eh?

Found here and sold (yes) here.

Truth Is Stranger #127: Go have the ride of your death

The apocalypse is nigh. I'm not kidding.

"The Euthanasia Roller Coaster": According to Urbonas, the "Euthanasia Coaster is a hypothetic euthanasia machine in the form of a roller coaster, engineered to humanely -- with elegance and euphoria -- take the life of a human being." [...]

"There is no special ritual, nor is death given special meaning except that of the legal procedures and psychological preparation. It is like death is divorced from our cultural life…" Urbonas writes. "…But if it is already legal, why not to make it more meaningful?"

Link

I'd say this is twisted, but this is so sick that even that pun is inappropriate. Someone please tell me this guy is kidding.

"Cheeseburger in Paradise" + Chasible = Oh dear...

...Just because Jimmy Buffet used "Paradise" in the title of a song doesn't make the Parrot the Parrotclete.

From a cringe-worthy hilarious blog titled Bad Vestments (mostly Anglican, but not all). Check it out for the prime comments if nothing else!

RBCU Theologian Creates New Atonement Theory: Debt Ceiling Theory

Megapolis, USA: RBCU* Professor of Theology Polly Ticstinck unveiled a new atonement theory based in our country's current crisis: Debt Ceiling Theory.

"As a life-long student of classical Christology, I have long presented the classical atonement theories to my students without question: ransom theory, satisfaction theory, and moral influence theory. But I have always that there was room for one more interpretation. And after hearing nonstop on CNN about reaching the national debt ceiling, I had a eureka moment: I should turn this possible worldwide crisis into a new theology article for the greater good of the academy," announced Dr. Ticstinck in a press conference at the regional meeting of CARMA**.

The article argues that one can understand how Christ's death saves humanity from the worst effects of original sin through an analysis of the debt ceiling debate, summarized in seven steps.

1. We have a debt we cannot pay in the original sin.
2. The debt grows and gets bigger and bigger.
3. We either say it isn't a real problem or cannot figure out how to make it go away.
4. There is a "ceiling" where the waffling in point #3 becomes moot, and we call that ceiling the apocalypse.
5. The apocalypse occurs, people repent of dependance on violence and mammon (or not).
6. All remember the suffering of Jesus that took on all our sin, and we unite our suffering with Christ's.
7. We give away everything we own to live as witnesses to God's providence.
   

Initial reaction at the meeting was mixed. One professor asked if he was going to have to give up his computer. ("As we may be eating weeds and insects for sustenance, possibly, yes.") Another asked whether it was the Republicans or Democrats at fault. Dr. Ticstinck responded that was like asking whether it was Adam or Eve's fault for the original sin.

When some theologians mentioned that this was a bit on the dark side, Ticstinck rejected the notion: "Look at it this way--when the ceiling is gone, you can see the sky. And when you stop looking at it, you remember your brothers and sisters in Christ."

***

*RBCU=Really Big Catholic University
**CARMA=Catholic Academy on Religious Minutiae Associated

From the sublime to...

This is so wrong on about a million levels.  Plus the lamb cake's eyes look satanic.

Only to be found at Allen's Brain (and I didn't have the heart to post the peep....).

Weddings Need To Be In A Church: Looking More Reasonable All The Time

McDonalds serves up McWeddings in Hong Kong.

(Holy holy holy is the Big Mac Almighty?)

My eyes! My eyes!

Found (actually, re-found) a new blog: Saint Kitsch--trying to expose all that shouldn't be in the world of art within the Christian Church.

The owner, Frank, offers the worst sacred Heart of Jesus picture EVER, and I must say I believe he is coorect:

Auuugggghhhhhh!

Unclean! Unclean! And really really really tacky!

Hat tip to the Crescat on facebook. Original here.

Truth Is Stranger #116: Good news, they're observing advent. Bad news, they missed the entire point.

Harrods unveils a $1 Million advent calendar.

(Among other things, there's a boat and a remodeled kitchen within.)

HT: Wait Wait Don't Tell Me on NPR.

Another argument for the vow of silence

Why the universal "shush" sign? Behold:

10 Unintentionally Hilarious Christian Music Videos